The heart of the matter

There’s a scene in Sex and the City where Charlotte bemoans “I’ve been dating since I was 15. I’m exhausted. Where is he?”

Oh Charlotte, I can relate.

I’ve been on a wild rash of awful dates. I blame this primarily on the online dating world, which is frought with: liars, cheaters, intellectually barren misfits, self-absorbed jerks, closet masogynists and emotional malcontents. You never discover this, however, until you’re actually sitting in front of them. Before that, they are wonderful emailers, full of eloquent prose that would make even Keats swoon. Once you sit down at the table, however, it’s game on. Among the worst offenders:

Mr. Lawyer: On our first and only date, he had our entire life mapped out by dessert. We’d be at Giants games, staying in SF, wine tasting in Napa, the list goes on. The next day, after I told him I wasn’t interested, he texted me a link to the hotel he wanted to take me to, as if that would win me over. Um, no.

Firefighter #1: This one appeared perfect. But after talking for weeks and a date at a local bar, he texted me only to say that he shouldn’t talk to me ever again because I’m a great woman and he isn’t emotionally available. I was polite and kind in my acceptance of this information, despite my suspicions that he was still attached to a wife or girlfriend. Weeks go by and I get another similar message, this time explaining that if something were to transpire between us, it would only be physical. I never responded, essentially saying “Go away, you married dog.”

Mr. Selfie, aka Firefighter #2 (also known as the man who made me swear off the entire firefighter race): Great first date. He became really obsessed with obtaining photos of me, which irritated me and made me question his intentions. His idea of a follow up? “Why don’t you come by the firehouse? I’m allowed visitors.” I declined. A few days later, he wanted to plan another date. This time, his offer was oh-so-much-better. Why don’t I just come by his house after his kids are asleep? We could listen to music in his room. Why yes, I would love to pretend like I’m reliving the Wonder Years and hang out in your room listening to records ….NOT bloody likely. When I declined, he asked for another picture.

Probation Officer: I figured I’d give him a chance, despite him being 14 years my senior. Age was the least of his problems.

Like Charlotte, I am exhausted.

 

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